Discouraged Children

According to Dr. Maurice Balson, the former head of the Monash Parent Teacher Education Center, the most important principle which a parent should learn is this: A misbehaving child is a discouraged child.

Effect of Discouragement on Children
Behind all forms of inadequate and disturbing behaviour are discouraged children who feel that, as they are now, they are not much good. To be a child means that you are smaller, weaker, less able, slower, and more inexperienced than all adults and older children. Naturally they cannot do things as well as more experienced parents, older children and siblings. Yet many parents refuse to accept children's current levels of performance and constantly dwell on their imperfections and shortcomings. While all children are capable of improving, our focus on their deficiencies is disastrous and has the effect of providing further discouragement which hinders subsequent improvement.

As a result, many children give up in despair because they feel that they cannot be as good as their parents want them to be or as good as other children. They lose faith in their ability to cope with the learning demands of the various situations and turn to inadequate behaviour in their attempt to salvage some semblance of respect and self-esteem.

To help children believe in themselves is the basic task of the parent. Every child who fails to make satisfactory progress in meeting the demands of living -- schooling, friendship and neighbourhood, reflects early discouragement and a lack of co-operation in the family. For children who need homework help, tutorvista.com is a world class online tutoring which provide K-12 and college tutoring, supplementary education, homework help and test prep. Parents who needs English, Maths and Science or even other subjects tutoring for their children may visit tutorvista.com for more details.

The basic motivation behind all behaviour is the wish to belong, to feel accepted, to be able to play a constructive role in the group. Only when children feel that they belong to the family, that they are useful and important members of it, can they function adequately, contribute, and co-operate. All initial behaviour of young children is viewed as their attempt to find their place within the family through constructive activity. They will try to feed themselves, to dress themselves, to amuse themselves, and attempt many other tasks which children must learn. If these initial attempts meet with approval from parents, children have the courage and confidence to continue learning and to tackle the more difficult tasks ahead. However, if these initial behaviours of children of children, imperfect as they must be, meet with frequent criticisms by parents for reasons such as 'too slow', 'too messy', etc, children begin to lose confidence in their ability to learn the tasks expected of them and turn to various forms of misbehaviour because they believe that they cannot belong through constructive activity.

Many individuals hide their sense of inferiority behind exaggerated superiority. Arrogance, boasting, nagging, deprecating others, intense emotions, not listening, conversation about oneself, exaggerated demands on self or others, vanity and unusual dress -- these are signs of inferiority.

All misbehaviour in children has its origin in this basic loss of confidence, in feelings of discouragement, and from the belief that they are not good enough. Children turn to disturbing ways of behaving that will gain them recognition only because they are denied successful learning experiences. Attention, power, revenge, and escape by withdrawal are the only areas open to a discouraged child.

It is important that parents view children's misbehaviour as a product of discouragement rather than as the behaviour of a naughty child, an aggressive child, a lazy child, a spoilt child, or a stupid child. The purposeful nature of these latter behaviours should be clear now but their need arises from a series of discouraging experiences which destroy children's basic belief and confidence in their own abilities. Children are not psychologically sick but are discouraged. They may have difficulties in writing and reading. All these need our time and patience to teach them and help them. By identifying and removing the sources of a child's discouragement we can begin to stimulate a child into more socially acceptable and personally satisfying forms of behaviour.


Love your children with all your hearts, love them enough to discipline them before it is too late. Praise them for important things, even if you have to stretch them a bit. Praise them a lot. They live on it like bread and butter and they need it more than bread and butter. ~ Lavina Christensen Fugal